Dear Santa, please, don’t bring my family junk,
I’ll tell you right now it’ll end up in my car’s trunk.
Forgotten and broken by February 1st,
Too much shit makes us scream, and you say that behaviour’s worst.
I don’t say this because on Christmas day I want them throwing a fit,
It’s rather quite the opposite- I’m trying not to raise shits.
She’s already sent her version of a want-list to you,
But here’s my amendments, rather than the Shopkins, Barbie assholes and Beanie Boos.
Just please get her some pink felt, and bring that damn glitter,
At least that’ll be an hour’s less time spent enduring this hellish winter.
Remember Millie doesn’t understand shit yet, she’s already got what she needs,
A sister to idolize and a pair of ready and willing teats.
Jus is happy with some coffee beans, or a boring old tool,
The practical matching socks, or a sweater of wool.
I’ll remind you again a wine bottle fits nicely in a stocking for me,
But what I really want is time carved out to just be.
Because I’ve got a whole healthy family, and sometimes we don’t fight,
Unless it’s about where we’ll put all the excess on Christmas night.
I say it every year, and people roll their eyes at me, the old bitty,
But I’m really keen on the meal together, with us and the kitty.
The grandparents can commit to a trip to the park to spend time,
It’s appreciated so much more than a quickly spent dime.
Because none of us have much, but we’re still so rich,
That’s the part I’ve been harping about this Christmas like a crazy bitch.
I truly want our day to be boring Santa, with regular play,
Not a road-running, toy mountain gong show field day.
I’ll have 2 weeks off, and that’s a gift on its own,
Make it move slowly for me, I don’t want to say it’s flown.
May we fill it with adventures, and getting snow in our boots,
By building half-assed snowmen in the woods with the hoots.
Let us appreciate what we have this Christmas, and not what we don’t,
So when they’re older they’ll understand all my Christmas won’ts.